JourneywithJennifer's PrayList - Part II

loss

This is a hard one...  I decided the title should be small. I don't know that I can make it any smaller or bigger than what it really is..

In my life, the past few months have been filled with loss and sad news.  Correction:  The last several years.  I should say years and not months.  It's been years and it's not letting up. 

Some days I want to just curl up and for it all to just stop so I can just breathe.  Friends say, it'll take at least a year for life to be normal.  This is true.  But, it's a new normal.

A new normal says, all it takes is a car to drive by or the scent of your favorite cologne, or even a smile or hello to feel that gut wrenching pain that brings it all back.  I saw your favorite suit in Pennys or tools at Home Depot.  I smelled your favorite perfume in Macys or found your favorite shoes in Dillard's.  I wore your best pearls for a special occasion.  I read Matt 7:12 out of your old bible to my daughter last night. 

A matter of seconds is all it takes to bring it all back again...Another loss and you are reliving the pain all over AGAIN!

People say it gets better with time, but does it?  The holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.  All the firsts without ____.  All the days without _______.  I cannot count the days, the hours, the minutes, or the seconds that you've been missed.  I cannot even count the tears. 

So if I appear to be happier than I should be or laugh at jokes that aren't really all that funny, it's because I love laughter.  I love the sounds it brings, the giddy feelings, the tears, and the relief.  I especially love the light that shines in the eyes of the one who truly laughs. 

But...

If I appear distant when you see me, it's not you.  It's me.  I am remembering and it's taken my thoughts away.

If I appear sad, it's okay.  I am having a moment.

If I stare at your family.  I am in awe and really miss so much of mine. 

Although my heart will break again, I am reminded of my God and how BIG HE IS!  There is peace in Him.  We are able to go on in this life because we know there is life to come.  We know our loved one is okay and that one day..one day, we shall meet again.

My eyes are blinded by my tears.  Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy (Psalms 88:9 NLT)

                                                                            **JourneywithJennifer