Saturday, April 7, 2012

Treading Waters

This has been an incredible week.  I have lost a total of about 6 lbs.  I am proud of myself.  I worked out a total of 4 times this week – combination of aerobics, walking, and ZUMBA.  Go Me!  I guess it’s safe to say that I am struggling and that’s where I know I need God’s help.  I am at a point where I am starting to see results.  And because I see results, I am getting a little nervous.  I always seem to find a way out!  I don’t understand why, but I feel like I sabotage myself, like I really don’t want what I say I want.  I know that this is the right thing to do, to do my very best, giving my all to better myself.  I just don’t know that I am ready for all that comes along with this lifestyle.  When you’re in great shape, people notice and you can end up with lots of attention.  At times, it’s uncomfortable.  I like some attention, just not attention regarding my body and how much I weigh.  Whether you’re big or small, bigger or smaller, people have something to say and it can be interpreted in different ways.  When you gain weight people say “you look good with some weight on you” or “I cannot believe you’ve gotten so big” or “what happened” or “slow down” or “back away from the buffet table”.  If you’re smaller it’s always “you’re starting to look too small” or “you look good with some weight on you” or “you’re beautiful”.  It would be nice to know that your looks aren’t tied to a number on a scale.  One thing life has taught me is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there’s beauty in everyone. 

I must admit that a big reason for my struggle is that I have a hard time turning down those chocolate candies, cookies, brownies and even ice cream.  I have an even harder time turning down cake from Publix.  This was definitely my week to step outside of my newfound comfort of healthier foods and return to some of my old foods.  No, not the peanut M&Ms or the Famous Amos cookies, I returned to chocolate in general.  I had two small cups of chocolate Blue Bell ice cream this week and four of those lovely two-bite brownies from Publix.  No, I didn’t buy them for me, but I did buy them for my family.  You see it’s hard to deprive your family when family hasn’t done anything wrong.  The problem comes in when I end up eating the food to avoid waste because the family only wants and needs a little bit of that comfort food.  I need a lot…… So I must admit that I didn’t pray like I feel I needed to in this situation.  I think that God is calling me because he knows that I am definitely treading lightly and could easily end up back on the same track as before – no boundaries or concerns for my health.  I’d end up in a place of mindless eating with no true value at all.  I want and need to value myself and my family to not only live longer, but live a healthy and happy life while I am here.  You see being on meds is just not a fun thing.  Don’t get me wrong; when it’s required, it’s required.  It’s just in this case, if I can do something to get myself one step further away from requiring meds, then that’s what I need to do.  I want to put down the Crestor for good this time.  This week I am more determined than ever to read and study my bible.  This helps me not only focus on what’s important – all of eternity versus the here and now love affair I have with food – but to know who is and always will be my first true love – Jesus.  God loves us!  I hope Easter Sunday finds us all at Church, whether at home with families, at a worship service, or on the web.  Happy Easter!  God Bless Us All!

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